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On Mothering and Time
By Moriah on August 23rd, 2008
Yesterday mid-morning my kids and I met our friend B and her kids at the pool for swimming and an alfresco lunch. (Hi, B!) We usually have good conversations (children cooperating), and yesterday was no exception.
Incidentally, one of the things we talked about happened to be the very same topic I had recently discussed with two other friends on two separate occasions. Whether or not I can craft it into a coherent blog post remains to be seen. I’ll do my best.
(Within my current time constraints, naturally.)
When I was a young and innocent mother of one, I had a lot of free time to more or less spend on myself. I kept up with the housework (usually) and the cooking (usually), but I also had time to scrapbook, read, watch movies, sunbathe, sew, or whatever else I felt like doing on any particular day.
Even with two kids, I still had my own life on the side. I could set my babies up with toys or a nap and go about my merry way. Sure, the kids took up a lot of time, but it was sort of compartmentalized. I still had a life. They were a large part of it, sure, but they weren’t it.
But with three, woa nellie, that took some adjustment. Of course I still have some time to do those fun things (and I obviously have time to blog!), but it’s on a much smaller scale and I’ve had to take on a different mindset about “my time.”
Previously, for example, if something involving the kids had interrupted me, I would have viewed it as an interruption. Now, I don’t (or at least, not as much). My kids are older and we can do more together. It’s not me and them; it’s us.
We get up, we get dressed, we eat, and we play. Sometimes they’ll watch a movie or play amongst themselves so I can get things done, but we sort of move about our day doing things together.
Which is also why I’m a stickler for naptimes. They need the sleep; I need the break. It’s my only time of day (besides the late evenings) that I can accomplish anything without interruption or sabotage. And often I use that time for the fun things I want to do.
B mentioned she’s had to accept the fact that she’s not going to get anything worthwhile done in the mornings on most days. (Although, she does have an hour when the kids are in roomtime for phone calls, a shower, etc.) That pretty much goes for me as well. It works better for us if I enjoy my kids when they are fresh, and work later when they are asleep or with Andy or whatever.
And I’ve also realized that I’m more of a work-at-night kind of person anyway. I do laundry best when the house is quiet and the kids are in bed. I almost always clean my kitchen before I go to bed, and usually pick up the toys and generally “reset” the house as well. I’d rather wake up to a clean house than wake up to clean the house.
So, all that to say, I’ve stopped worrying over the fact that I have unproductive mornings. It’s just the way things are here, at this stage of my life.
11 Responses to “On Mothering and Time”
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You most likely know this already but a good reminder – life comes in seasons.
You are at that season right now where it doesn’t seem like you get anything done but you really do, from what I can see just by what little you share here. (housework, playdates, friends, painting, etc). I am in different season, all of my children (3) go to school. I can do other things, things you might not be able to do – have lunch with a friend, shop, large house project, teach a bible study, etc. My sister is in a completely different season. Her children are grown. She can go to the spa for the weekend, take their boat out for the day, meet friends in the early evening, not cook supper.
I guess you see my point. Enjoy where you are. Our oldest son is now 15, teaching him to drive, thinking about college. We only 3 more years with him and then he off. This is a sad fact. I sometimes wish I could go back and enjoy him more.
Enjoy your season, it is the only one you get and then on to a new one.
Beth Johnson
Montgomery, Al
Very wise observation. The “Us” thing you mention will change when the children are all in school, for the most part. That’s why homeschooling is so exhausting; the “us” lasts until graduation.
I’m too much of an introvert to be “us” 24/7. I must have time alone. Anyway, it does help to realize this is a stage of life, and will pass. At some point, your kids also get to a place where they want to be “me” and not “us” all the time!
E was a pretty consuming one kid. It was “us” from pretty early on. (I totally couldn’t have written my thesis without some serious babysitting on the part of his grandmothers.) I don’t feel like I had a lot of “me” time with just the one. So far adding another one hasn’t changed a whole lot except for balance.
Overall, though, it’s the same point. Perspective on how having kids shapes how you view how you spend your days. Right now my kids are incredibly demanding, but that’s okay. It is a season and I made the decision to stay home with them so that I could enjoy them during this short time. I sort of have the perspective that my kids are my job, like computers are my hubby’s job. Housework is a perk that we divide between us as we are able.
One thing I would add (and this goes along with what you were saying already) is that when we do get things done in the morning (it’s still “we/us”) :) it’s because we are working together. I don’t undervalue the place of having my children work alongside of me. We made applesauce two mornings this week, I still do all my laundry in the morning, and even my cleaning. It’s just that they are right there with me, riding the canister vac, sorting laundry, putting away silverware, etc. I wish I were more of a night person…that’s my only regret is that come 8pm I’m sort of dead these days. That’s a seasonal thing, too. :) Good thoughts!
I agree with post #1. Once kids go to school, my days sort of flipped around. Now I try to get as much done in the morning so that I don’t feel I am working the whole time after they get home. It’s amazing what I can get done for 2 hours kid-free. I’d forgotten I used to be productive!
And oh, K, that’s all about to change again! :)
Like Diber’s E, my one child is quite all-consuming. We’re having more “us” type of fun as she gets older, but I also have to work really hard for one hour of quiet time each day! I know having another child increases a mommy’s workload in some respects, but it also means having a future playmate. I’m the playmate these days. : )
I think 3 became easier when the youngest was about 2 – then any 2 paired up and one was usually happy playing alone.
Enjoy this season – because after they are 8+ they need much more of your emotional time!
I think that is a very challenging aspect of motherhood- you are constantly changing and adapting to the current set of circumstances. And each mom is her own unique person(and each child), so it looks different for everyone. This is still something I am trying to get used to- riding those waves as they come at me. I think I need a surfboard.
I might add, my dear niece, that your children ARE your life right now and everything else you do is also for them. I think you’re doing wonderfully but it is a sobering thought that you only get one chance to raise them and if you do it well such lovely dividends are in store for you. On the other hand, if you don’t, well, things will be much harder in all kinds of ways. Your kids are happy which goes a long way towards making them happy, wholesome adults; work hard to make them holy too and when they are grown they will bring you much joy. The Lord be with you, Auntie F.
Your kid are in bed at night? I feel like I don’t even get mine down until I’m about ready to hit the hay, myself. Sigh…
I love your aunt’s advice. She sounds like a wise woman.