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Parenting: Not a ‘One-Size-Fits-All’
By Moriah on September 24th, 2008
Originally published as a guest post at Musings of a Housewife, August 2008.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about parenting and how it’s not a ‘one size fits all’ relationship, even to the children within a single family. I’ve known quite a few parents and grandparents alike who will not do something for a child or grandchild unless they can afford the time, attention, or money it takes to provide that thing or opportunity to every child.
Now of course I’m not advocating playing favorites. And of course we should strive to show love equally to our kids. But the outworking of that love might look very different from child to child. And that’s a good thing!
Some kids have special needs that require a greater amount of parental time and attention. Other kids are low-maintenance and don’t require much at all. We see this in the adult world as well and I’m sure you know this to be true. We all have ‘high-maintenance’ friends (or maybe you are one!); while other people are so even-keeled, we’d actually have to work to ruffle their feathers.
As parents, it’s okay to take considerations for personality, special gifts and talents, and limitations and disabilities. We see each child as an individual and try to parent according to their specific needs; not according to what the other kids are doing or get to do.
Is one child struggling with reading? Maybe he needs some extra summer help. But you shouldn’t feel guilty about not giving that particular attention to the other kids. Maybe they’ll need extra guidance in some other area and have their own time in the spotlight.
Just the other night I decided to pop over to an old friend’s house that I haven’t seen in a while. I didn’t have the energy to bring all three of mine with me, so I brought my girls and left Drew home with Daddy. He did not like being left behind. At all. But later, after the girls were tucked in bed, Andy decided to go for a short walk around the neighborhood, and he asked Drew to go with him. Drew’s turn came; he was able to do something that the girls did not get to do.
Kids need to understand that life simply isn’t meant to be ‘equal’ or ‘fair.’ We appreciate the ups and downs; they are what it is to be alive. We teach our children to be glad for their siblings when they succeed and empathetic when they fail.
We also need to encourage our kids not to constantly compare themselves to others or their abilities to that of their siblings and friends. That sort of self-measurement is unhealthy. Each child is unique and that should be celebrated and fostered.
And this is certainly how God deals with us – uniquely, as individuals. Sure, we may be part of the larger body and have some similar circumstances. But one person may be dealt a trial while another is in the midst of smooth waters – and perhaps each for no other discernible reason than that He is glorified.
2 Responses to “Parenting: Not a ‘One-Size-Fits-All’”
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Awesome post. My kids are 12,3, and 2 so there are somethings that my older child gets to do that the younger ones don’t. And each one of them have different areas they need extra help with. But each gets there time with mom and dad but on different levels. I want to raise well rounded kids and i love to celebrate there uniqeness.
You are so right. My 6 children often get little treats or special time with mum which their siblings don’t. And what makes my 6 year old daughter feel special would not work with my 11 year old son.
I think mine are all high maintenance, though. I sometimes wish just one would be ‘even-keeled’.