I shall never step foot in McDonald’s again.

By Moriah on April 7th, 2009

You would think, after being cooped up so often in the last several weeks, my kids would be glad to be out and about and would behave themselves and act like civilized children.


I took them to the play area in our mall yesterday morning. (Andy had to work all day/night.) Adelaide had pulled out and lost her earrings, and the regular ones I put in as substitutes she can get out in the blink of an eye. I needed more of those piercing studs that are much harder to remove, which is why I chose the mall for our outing. That, and the play area is free.

The mall part of the trip went without a hitch. We left even though it was lunchtime, because I didn’t feel like dealing with the chaos that is the food court. But as soon as everyone was buckled in their carseats, they began to complain how hungry they were, and I still had to stop in Wal*mart.

(We were out of wipes. If you’ve read here for any length of time, you know that Adelaide in diapers means we must have wipes. Lots and lots of wipes.)

So I thought we could eat quickly at McDonald’s and went through the drive-thru. They wanted to eat inside, and I was fine with that because it meant the mess would not be in my van. So I picked up the food from the window, parked, and we went into the kid/play room and sat down at a table.

After the kids had eaten, of course they ran off to play. I wanted to wrap it up (I mean, we’d just spent an hour playing at the mall!) and so I called for them to come down and get their shoes on.

Crickets, they are chirping.

Madeline comes down and begins doing her potty dance. You know where this is going, don’t you?

Adelaide, unfortunately, is too short to get herself down – she can’t see that she’s only inches away from the next level of the split-level-ladder-thing. So I sent Madeline back up to help her because no way was I going to cram myself into it and attempt to get her. And Drew was out of earshot, as far as I knew.

I spent the next ten minutes yelling at various children to help their sister, no go down the slide, okay show Adelaide where the slide is, no JUST HELP HER DOWN ALREADY. Madeline was again at my side, “I have to poop, Mommy, I have to poop!!!” I’m screaming at the others at this point to come NOW and finally had to do the unthinkable – climb up there myself and get Adelaide down.

The next thing I know, Madeline is pulling her hand out of her pants, covered in poop.


(I’ll delete this post before she’s a teenager. It can be our little secret.)

I, as calmly as I could, wiped her hand, grabbed all our stuff, somehow managed to gather Adelaide, and herd them all to the bathroom in the back. I tried to clean up Madeline as best I could (why do they not have paper towels when I need them?) with water and toilet paper. Adelaide and Drew played with the hand dryer in the meantime. Loud.

I threw the offending panties in the trash, explained to her that we were just going to have to throw that pair away and she’d just have to ride home in her jeans, scrubbed our hands, and began herding them out to the car.

As I was opening the door to walk outside, OF COURSE I dropped the HiC orange drink I was carrying and it splashed up everywhere. When it rains? It pours.

Suffice it to say, we did NOT go to Wal*mart then. We went last night after Madeline’s bath, naps, and dinner. But clearly my kids were out to get me yesterday because they were TERRIBLE the entire time we were there. My glares and threats meant nothing (until we got home). They ran, danced, played tag, and touched EVERYTHING. Madeline even climbed up into the icebox and shut the door while I was swiping my debit card.

Oh, and I had repeatedly ran into the same couple on every. single. aisle. They even pulled behind me in the checkout lane. An audience. Figures.

(Perhaps I should’ve titled this post “Adventures in Humiliation.”)

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18 Responses to “I shall never step foot in McDonald’s again.”

  1. CarpoolQueen on April 7, 2009 8:42 am

    I’m sending you a virtual Venti Caramel Macchiato. It may quite possibly be laced with Xanax.

    You’re welcome.

  2. Brie on April 7, 2009 9:04 am

    Here’s hoping today goes MUCH better for you!

    And, honestly, I wouldn’t bother deleting the poop story. To this day, my parents still love to bring up the my poop story from when I was 2 years old.

    Oh the joys of motherhood…maybe I’ll put it off a little longer :)

  3. Alissa Church on April 7, 2009 9:14 am

    i’m dying-that’s the worst story ever! i think that might have caused me to pretend i didn’t know them, and just head back home alone…! ;) good luck today!

  4. Nicky on April 7, 2009 9:21 am

    Well, I was thinking about taking my kids to Hobby Lobby today. You have talked me out of it. Well, that and the fact that every time I go there, James tries to eat those fake grapes they have draped everywhere.

  5. Debbie on April 7, 2009 9:38 am

    What a mess! Good luck today!

  6. ruth ann on April 7, 2009 12:39 pm

    I threw away a pair of underwear just a few weeks ago. Uggghhh! Hope today is free from blog-worthy stories!

  7. ruth ann on April 7, 2009 12:40 pm

    just to clarify – the aforementioned underwear belonged to my 3-year-old!! hee hee!

  8. Gretchen on April 7, 2009 1:22 pm

    I got to climb that McDonald’s playground once when I was pregnant. :)

  9. Larissa on April 7, 2009 1:58 pm

    with two older brothers and one younger, some story like this must be why i have few/no memories of playing on fast food playgrounds when i was little…

  10. Janelle on April 7, 2009 3:07 pm

    Ya, that one was pretty painful. Today has to look up! :) We’ve had to throw away panties too.
    I climbed up to get my daughter in a McDonalds playground 8 months pregnant. We now only go to a certain chick-fil-a that I know she can do all.by.herself. (well, she can do any now, but then I went and had another kid who can’t reach.)

  11. mary kathryn on April 7, 2009 3:54 pm

    Garrrr! You make me glad my kids are older! I’m so glad I have no one in my house who ever poops in his pants :) Not that they aren’t adorable! But, it’s nice to have all poop in the potty!

  12. Mary on April 7, 2009 5:23 pm

    Been there….Done that….you are not alone!

    I feel your pain…truly I do. I can tell you however, it does get better.

  13. Allison on April 7, 2009 9:24 pm

    That’s awful!! But it did make me laugh out loud. We’ve had to throw away underwear many times, but not at McDonald’s yet. I’m sure that one is coming. I hope today was better for you.

  14. Cindi on April 7, 2009 10:11 pm

    I am not sure how I found your blog but I am so glad I did.
    The story is very funny but I do feel bad for you. As my kids say, “Some days you are the windshield and some days you are the bug.”
    I sure hope things get easier the rest of the week.

  15. Amanda - VintageDutchGirl on April 7, 2009 10:51 pm

    Sorry! The whole part about Madeline climbing into the icebox? LOL. :)

    Thanks for keeping it real girlfriend.

    And as always, why why WHY the huge poop blowouts when out and about and ZERO diaper changing accessories to be had?

  16. Mollie on April 9, 2009 11:07 pm

    Yes, why do they NOT have Paper towels??? Then the toliet paper is so thin you can see through it.
    Our McD does not even have a changing table???
    Talk about kid friendly.
    So glad other moms have great days like me. :)

  17. Jackie@Our Moments, Our Memories on April 10, 2009 1:38 am

    Honey, you sound like you need a girls night out. :) What a day – so sorry!

    I have been known to throw out brand-new pairs of pants, sheets, whatever, that have been pooped upon because I just can’t deal with it. And this is while at home – I wasn’t even out and about like you, where you had absolutely nothing to clean it up with!

  18. trina on April 15, 2009 4:03 pm

    OMW, bless your stinkin heart! I would have called them to come take me away HA HA!

    A few weeks ago I was in Aldi and there was a mother with her two children and they were NOT behaving and she was NOT doing anything about it. While she was paying, her son (who was about 3ish) was RUNNING up and down the counter that you sack groceries on and she didn’t say ONE WORD. I was speechless.

    I know you’re at least TRYING to keep them under control, this woman clearly was not LOL

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